This article is for those of you who don’t want to visit a BDSM club, but want to add a little of it into your relationship. Much of it is written for your dearheart who may not know where to begin.
Disclaimer, of course: Be safe and sane in what you do. If you don’t know how to do something or use something, get instruction first. In bondage, don’t cut off circulation and never leave a restrained person alone. Be sure you have a safeword. Consensual means you both agree on what you’re going to do. You don’t have to be completely specific, but set up your boundaries. Things like this: “I think I’d enjoy being spanked, I don’t want more than that.” “I never want to be gagged.” “No face-slapping…but anywhere else might be fun.”
Every relationship is different, every person is different. Whereas you might think a good whipping with a single-tail is just what you want for a Monday nooner, he’s horrified at the idea of hurting his sweetie. He might think calling you ‘slut’ or ‘slave’ is the sexiest thing he’s ever done, and it totally turns you off.
Personally, I’ve always enjoyed a bottle of wine and snuggling in front of the fire…and discussing fantasies. “I’ve been reading some really hot books and the characters do some things that really get me hot. Maybe we can try a few?” You don’t want to give him the feeling that he’s lacking–so right after sex, sometimes, isn’t the correct time to say, “I wish you’d be more…” Then again, that’s an excellent time to tell him what you did like. “God, it turns me on like you wouldn’t believe when you pull my hair.” “It’s so, so sexy when you order me to go down on you.”
So have a talk or two or three about what turns you on, and those fun fantasies that you’ve always wanted to try. Remember, he gets to tell you his too. Don’t forget to mention what scares you. Be gentle with each other. No judging. If a fantasy of his totally squicks you out, just say no, you don’t want to try that one. Don’t tell him that he’s a disgusting pervert. LOL
There’s different aspects of BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance & submission, sadism & masochism) and each person wants a different mixture, so don’t be surprised if getting started is a stop and go sort of thing. (This worked for you but when he tried that, it wasn’t fun. You liked this, but he hated it.) That’s okay. And that’s why you talk things over after playtime is ended.
For this little article, I’m only going to discuss a bit about dominance and submission–and only in the bedroom–and leave other kinks for later.
This next part is for whoever is being the dominant, the one who agrees it’d be fun to bring some domination/submission into your sex life, but how the hell does he start?
Sir Dominant: YOU are in charge and the time has come. You’ve talked about limits and fantasies. You have a good idea how you want the evening to proceed. You’ve agreed on a safeword (A word not normally said and if used then the entire playtime stops right then. No questions until everything is back to normal. My favorite safeword is “red”), and possibly an intermediate safeword also. (Yellow means you pause and possibly discuss or adjust things. It’s for times when the sub is having fun, but the position is giving her back spasms or something like that.)
At this point, just go. Don’t ask her questions. Don’t ask her if she likes something–just take over. Always watch her response to everything. Is she flushed, looking turned-on, wiggling delightfully? Then keep going. You have safewords–if she doesn’t use one, then don’t back off. You can remind her, if you’re worried, that she can use her safeword. But don’t stop and ask, “Do you like this? Is this too much?” Uh-uh, that spoils the mood that you’re creating.
The mindset you want her in is that all the power is in your hands, and she’s vulnerable. Helpless. She has no choice except to take what you give and do what you want. (Of course, she can always use her safeword and everything stops–remember?) But you want her to be worried about what you might do…and oddly enough, everything she imagines you doing will increase her arousal. She’s starting to realize you might push her a little further than she’s comfortable with, but because she trusts you, that also builds anticipation. *Do NOT betray that trust.*
Remember, she also probably wants to please you and worries about what you think. Compliment her as you enjoy her body. When she pleases you, let her know. Your goal is pleasure for you both. Not just you. Not just her. But what you need to remember is that–if she’s a submissive–her pleasure is actually increased when you remove all the decisions from her hands–when all the control is yours.
If you like talking sexy and a little mean to build up anticipation, that’s excellent. For example: “I’m not sure if you’re going to enjoy this, but I don’t care. I’ll enjoy it.”
If not, then simply don’t talk unless you need to tell her to do something, and then use a firm voice. Remember the tone you used when your friend’s Rottweiler was digging a hole in the carpet? The voice that says you expect instant obedience? Yes, that’s the one. And until you’re comfortable with what kind of domination works for you both, just try staying very stern.
In turn, keep your little submissive quiet (“Shhh.” “Be silent.”) unless you want her to speak. Or beg (begging is good ). If you’re both okay with it, then try a swat on the ass for making noise, or not obeying quickly, or not doing a good enough job. You can even sound a little regretful if you want. “It’s too bad you have to be punished; I hope this doesn’t hurt you too badly.”
Instruct her how you want her to dress–even better, call home and tell her what you expect her to be wearing when you get home. Naked? Fuck-me sandals? Jeans and topless? It’s your choice, not hers.
Be aware that sexual dominance doesn’t have to stay in the bedroom. While you talk on the phone, have her kneel at your feet so you can play with all the soft female curves and crannies available to your touch. Or make her play with herself while you watch and direct. If she doesn’t do a good job–well, have you determined how far you can go with a little punishment?
If you feel insecure or uncertain what you want to do next, blindfold her. Maybe put on music. Rather than watching and judging, she’ll have to wait…and anticipate the evil erotic act you’re going to do to her. And when you remove sight or hearing, other senses become more acute.
Remember, within the bounds of what you discussed, her body is yours. She’s there for you to enjoy. Please your sense with how her skin feels and tastes, the little noises she makes when you do…this. Or that.
Domination can be mental and/or physical. Rough sex falls in the physical side. (Remember to check during your discussions to be sure that this is one of her fantasies.) If yes, then possibly, as she’s kneeling, fist your hand in her hair, drag her head back, and kiss her. Or push her against a wall, hold her wrists above her head with one hand, and fondle whatever you want with the other. Take her mouth. Hard. Put her on the bed and position her how you want, maybe on hands and knees–only tell her you want her ass higher, maybe her hands laced behind her back. Touch her and enjoy the fact that she can’t stop your exploration. Tease her until she wiggles, then use her for your pleasure, with a fist in her hair to pull her back onto you even harder.
Now, remember you’re also in charge of seeing that she has a wonderful time, only you need to show you’re in control as you do. Forcing or denying her release is one of the perks of being in charge. Move her into position you want, and then tell her not to move, no matter what you do. Now use your mouth, your fingers, and/or any available toys to drive her insane. Don’t let her come until you’ve driven her to begging. Or…make her come so many times that her knees give out when she stands up. Your choice–you’re the boss.
Surprise her with a new toy and see how many ways you can use it on her. Then instruct her in a firm voice how to use it on herself–or you.
If you enjoy acting, then try role-playing. On National Secretaries Day, have fun being the CEO of MacroSoft and interview a potential hire. Start with having her remove her underwear. Can she lower your zipper without using her hands? Is your desk the right height to administer a spanking for misspelling a word?
Remember, anticipation heightens pleasure. So call her from work and tell her what you intend to do to her when you both get home. Or have her wait in another room, naked and on her knees, for you to finish showering. While she watches, lay out the toys you intend to use. Or blindfold her and then set up your space, unwrapping the new toy you bought, so she can hear the paper tearing, yet has no idea what devious device you plan to use on her.
Are you getting the idea?
Again, the warnings. If she uses a safeword, you stop immediately. No arguing. If she uses an intermediate safeword, talk and see what’s wrong. Watch her responses–you’ll learn so much about what she likes and doesn’t like, just from observing closely. Talk after everything’s over (and see if your observations were correct. Did that little squeak she makes mean excitement or pain?) Tell her what you liked and didn’t like as well. Communication is everything.
For more BDSM information, see the bottom of my Extras page.
Have fun and remember: safe, sane, and consensual.
Okay, y’all, here’s the disclaimer that the big guys say must be here: The articles here are presented for general information only and are not meant as “how-to” guides. Use the information at your own risk. Bear in mind that nothing in this world is safe, especially when it comes to sex ;-). Please don’t try any new sexual practice, especially BDSM, without the guidance of an experienced practitioner. Neither Cherise Sinclair nor contributors will be responsible for any loss, harm, accidents, injuries, or death resulting from use of the information or actions inspired by this website. Whew.