Safewords are for Everyone

Considering how often I hark on it, I’m sure y’all know what a safeword is, but we’ll go through the lesson again. Safewords are an essential component of BDSM, and this is why: For those of us who enjoy fantasy play, BDSM play, or even a little bit of rough sex, it’s fun to put up a bit of a fight, to struggle, to say, “No, don’t. Don’t touch me! Don’t do that!” And when your Dom ignores your protests, tosses you on the bed, and takes what he wants…oh, that can be just lovely. J Gets you hot just thinking of it, doesn’t it?

But what if you really, really did want him to stop? What if your muscles are cramping, you’re getting sick, or the bondage is bringing up every nightmare of your past? How is he supposed to know that sometimes your “No, no!” means “Go on,” and sometimes it truly means “Stop!”

He can’t know. (well, unless he’s Master Z, in which all bets are off. LOL!)

So in BDSM, we use a safeword, and if this word is used by the submissive (or even the Dom), everything stops immediately. Without argument. Without pressure.

The word needs to be unrelated to anything going on, and, as you can imagine, that word is never “Stop” or “No.” Personally, I have a fondness for using ‘red’.

A submissive might add in ‘yellow’ to warn her Dom that she’s getting scared, uncomfortable, or worried. Then he knows to back-off or slow down…or ignore her, but, at least, she’ll know he’s aware that there might be a problem.

Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?

So what about in the real, vanilla world? Think about what a difficult time our poor men have on an ordinary date. They’re in almost the same dilemma as a Dom trying to do a scene without a safeword.

You want examples? All right. Let’s say that it’s your fourth date, and he’s pushing for sex, and you’re not really sure, but maybe…maybe…depending on how it goes… So when he slides his hand down into your pants, you make a token protest. Now hearing that, some guys will think, “That’s it, she wants to stop.” Other guys, depending on their experience and their personality, will continue pushing until you get upset.

And neither type is sure if he is doing the right thing. Because, face it, for some women a ‘no’ can and has meant ‘maybe’ and yet, for others, it really means ‘no’.

To avoid this quandary, consider bringing this murky area into the light. (This can be a great conversation to have after a couple of beers ) Perhaps explain that you realize how difficult it is for a guy to interpret all the nuances of “I don’t know.” “I’m not sure we should.“I think we’d better stop.” or even a weak ‘no’. So to solve that problem, you have one word that absolutely means ‘stop’, no ifs, ands, or buts.

Of course, he’ll now realize that the weak little ‘no’ you give him might mean, keep pushing and you might get lucky because I’m enjoying myself even though I know I shouldn’t. Since you didn’t use your safeword, he knows it’s all right to continue.

Or what about when he finds your vibrator and then pushes your legs apart, and you look at him in horror and say, “Don’t.” But because you didn’t use your safeword, he’ll go ahead and use it on you until you’re mindless from coming.

Might be worth having that little discussion, don’t you think? J

~ Cherise

Okay, y’all, here’s the disclaimer that the big guys say must be here: The articles here are presented for general information only and are not meant as “how-to” guides. Use the information at your own risk. Bear in mind that nothing in this world is safe, especially when it comes to sex ;-). Please don’t try any new sexual practice, especially BDSM, without the guidance of an experienced practitioner. Neither Cherise Sinclair nor contributors will be responsible for any loss, harm, accidents, injuries, or death resulting from use of the information or actions inspired by this website. Whew.